Accessories

Incredible Insight!
I purchased this book as a requirement for one of my senior level college courses. Normally, I would not have enjoyed reading required text for class; however, this book grabbed me from page one -- I had absolutely no problem keeping up with deadlines for reading. It kept me in constant contact with my grandparents and brought incredible insight into why and how our generations became so gapped. This will be a book that I will keep on my bookshelf long after college has ended.

You may find yourself here---or not.
I thought I'd find myself in this book, but I am neither old enough nor young enough to fit either model. Neverless I loved the book, and wwhat I remember most vividly are the poems, especially the one about the dying grandmother: "She lay back in it and let it have her." Haunting, isn't it?

Well worth reading
The author of the bestseller Reviving Ophelia this times takes us on a journey through the lives of our elders. Following the lead of Bernice Neugarten at the University of Chicago, she distinguishes between the "young-old" and the "old-old". This book focuses mainly on the later, telling the stories of people who are coping with loss and illness.

While individual differences are always present, Pipher see trends among those in the "old-old" group, as well as among their families and children. Being able to anticipate and appreciate these commonalities, she believes, will ultimately be our best route to communicating with and honoring our elders.

She calls cultural differences between the generations time-zone problems. Some are obvious, such as differences in attitudes towards authority. Others seem obvious only when she points them out to us, such as the fact that our parents' generation was "pre-irony". Without recognizing these differences, we are bound to be frustrated with each other.

In what she calls "the saddest chapter in this book", the author compares the old-old to victims of chronic post traumatic stress disorder, people overwhelmed by inevitable multiple losses and threats. It is a uninviting concept, one we would prefer to discard or at least put a positive spin on.

Yet the trauma of old age can also be the catalyst for our ultimate growth and integration. Pipher tells us that "each of us will experience our ship going down...From our responses come the best and worst stories".

Even in her stories of those elders who end their lives bitter and aggrieved, there is sometimes healing in those who are left. Adult children reconcile with siblings and with themselves. Teenage grandchildren come into the circle.

And in many heartwarming stories of resilient, courageous elders, the author helps us come to appreciate the dignity and peace that can exist alongside the losses.

The book is practical as well. Facilities which have successfully integrated the care of the young and the old are described. Programs which have paired schoolchildren with elders come to life with personal stories. Tales of foster grandparents make us realize how little we have utilized these powerful resources so far.

There is much starkness here, but also much hope. Hope that we can do a much better job addressing the needs of the old-old members of our tribe. Perhaps the demandingness of our baby boomer generation will serve us well in this regard. We're all heading in the same direction.

Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders
This book is written in a readable style that holds your interest. I bought it to help understand my elderly father who is suffering from dementia, but I found it told me a lot about myself and what I will want and need in the next 20 years. Mary Pipher's insightful and easy to understand.

Another country: the tourist perspective
Not being "old-old" myself, with both parents dead, I picked up this book out of curiosity. Piper does not mince words. She says at the outset, "Old age is not for sissies," and she goes on to describe life as an old person in a country designed for the young. It's an apt metaphor: the old learn a new language and a new terrain.

Pipher offers creative solutions that are not always easy, as she herself is the first to admit. Not everyone is equipped to be a caretaker. And as a society we do not have the infrastructure to deal with the challenges that increase daily.
Ironically, she notes that having a purpose in life will keep us young longer: the 85-year-old woman with an overaged dependent son may seem indulgent to outsiders, but she has a reason to get up every day. Yet at the same time, challenging work and respect from the community -- the source of purpose for most of us -- will be denied by a society that worships youth.

Pipher seems to be selling us on the importance of caring for the elderly. It's a way our own children will learn respect for the family and for us, she says. Yet many of us will not have children of our own. Today something like one-third of households have only one member. Being single or childless is no longer "odd." And sometimes a parent disappears from a child's life, only to re-appear in a time of need. There's no basis for a relationship -- it's not about healing but about building a relationship with a stranger .

Pipher does not address these topics, but the thousands of midlife adults who face aging parents will say she's offered more than enough to benefit her readers.